I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
