allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
