I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
