i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
