My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
