our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
