At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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