Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
