why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
