FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
