thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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