woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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