Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
