mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
