Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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