cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My penis needs a shock collar
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
