She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
