Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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