I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
