Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize