I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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