I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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