I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
