I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Panties = found
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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