I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize