ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
