I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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