I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize