I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
