A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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