I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
