I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
