Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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