fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
