I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
