just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
