I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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