I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
