he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
