What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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