You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize