turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
