I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
