he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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