i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
