I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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