cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
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