this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
