And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize