Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
