i would punch a child for taco bell
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
