either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
