I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
