She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize