This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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