Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
