I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
