i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
