Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
