Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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