mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
