Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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