I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize