I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Green mimosas i think yes
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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