I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
