At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
