I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
