Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
