Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
