so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
