Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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