Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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