if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
